


Letters of stone and perfume of marigold

by Jo_ma_ruu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Aobajousai, Best Friends, Character Death, Death, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, M/M, POV Oikawa Tooru, Pain, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Oikawa Tooru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:41:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jo_ma_ruu/pseuds/Jo_ma_ruu
Summary: “It seems so easy in the books: a love goes away, and a new one blossoms, ready to drain every drop of water that the first ate to blossom in all its beauty.You have no idea how many stories like this I've read. For each of those stories, I always smiled to see how in the end the characters managed to look ahead, breaking the chains that anchored them to the past. You cannot remain tied to the same person forever if this person goes away: them leaving gives you the right - and we could almost say the duty - to move on, to get a new life.I found it right.7 May 2016, 5:34 pm.This time made me change my mind.”
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 4





	Letters of stone and perfume of marigold

**Author's Note:**

> Hii~  
> This is the first time I post on here and I decided to translate this old fanfiction of mine in English. I apologize if there are some mistakes, feel free to let me know! 
> 
> P.s.  
> I’m sorry in advance for the pain,,,
> 
> \- jo.ma.ruu

It seems so easy in the books: a love goes away, and a new one blossoms, ready to drain every drop of water that the first ate to blossom in all its beauty.

You have no idea how many stories like this I've read. For each of those stories, I always smiled to see how in the end the characters managed to look ahead, breaking the chains that anchored them to the past. You cannot remain tied to the same person forever if this person goes away: them leaving gives you the right - and we could almost say the duty - to move on, to get a new life.  
I found it right.

7 May 2016, 5:34 pm.  
This time made me change my mind.

As long as things happen in books, in stories, to other people, we always know what is right to do.

Then those stories come true.

You discover that there is not always a happy ending, that moving on alone is difficult, that turning around is the greatest temptation. You simply discover that life is mocking, that it deceives you with a thousand hopes and then suddenly abandon you, without any warning.

Have you ever seen the face of a dead man?  
Do not believe those who tell you that you can feel life passing away from him, that suddenly it is as cold as death itself, that his eyes are empty.  
A dead man looks the same as always, that's what hurts the most.  
You almost expect him to reopen his eyes at any moment, smiling amused at telling you 'why are you crying?'.

But it doesn't happen.

And you stay there, waiting for that moment to come.  
You get mad at him because the joke is taking too long.  
And then you get mad at yourself because you're not laughing at all.  
In that moment you understand what it really means to cry.  
Your throat hurts, your eyes sting, your kidneys seem to stop working and your knees are shaking.  
And all in all it is better this way.  
Because the strongest pain explodes in your head, pierces the last bit of lucidity left, kills the rational part of you.

The only thought you have carved into your mind is: 'when did this happen?'.  
Because it doesn't matter if you knew for months that it would end like this, it doesn’t matter if he knew it himself.  
It will all continue to happen too fast, because death always comes too soon.  
And with it comes regret.  
You regret not having greeted him well the night before, as if you were afraid to hold him more since he seemed fragile.  
You regret not spending more time with him when you could.  
You regret not making him laugh enough.

Then comes the worst of all: you regret not having been enough.

He has spent the last moments of his life in your company, loving you, and you wonder if he would not have been happier to give his last smile to someone more deserving than you.

These are all reasons that destroy you.

Slowly, slowly, because it takes time to really realize what happened.  
Like needles they pierce your chest, making your heart bleed, wanting to expel all traces of him from you, having the opposite effect: you feel him more and more present.

Any kiss not given.  
Every muffled laugh.  
Every word too many.  
Every slap.

They return to the surface all together.

Even those who were once happy memories come back to haunt you: for every smile they snatched from you there is a stab in the chest.

You feel that you are dying with him too, you feel that you have run out of tears in your body.

But that’s not true.

You are alive, and the tears still obscure your field of vision, wetting your cheeks and chest.  
This is the worst part: everything continues, even without him.

Inveighing against the universe is useless: the others go on, he doesn't.

You stay behind too, though.

That damn red thread is impossible to break: the more you try to get rid of it the more it gets tangled and knotted. The only thing you are capable of is just loosening it, lengthening it, so that you can continue for a while even if at a slow pace. For a while you feel almost free, but then you realize that you are just a dog on a leash, unable to get away that much.

Moving on?  
Impossible.

You cannot, you are not capable of it.  
If you think about it, you don't even want it.

Who will help you get up when you fall?  
Somebody else?  
It doesn't seem possible. You forget how to walk if there aren't his steps to guide you, his arms to support you.

You try to open your heart to someone else, but every time you bring the key close to the lock, the latter refuses it, because it knows that it is impossible to break, it knows that it is impossible to find a copy of that key that is now broken.

So you decide to stop.  
Stop pretending that everything is fine.  
Stop pretending to be strong.  
Stop pretending to be able to laugh again as before.  
That laugh that used to soundtrack your days now sounds so jarring with what your days have become.  
Stop that.  
Just give up.  
You will never find someone like him because, by now, you are dead too.

This is what you wanted right away, right?  
As soon as you realized it was impossible to get him back, didn't you think you wanted to follow him?  
You were half successful.  
You are now trapped in that limbo that separates life and death.  
You can no longer go back and you can no longer go forward.  
One foot here and one foot there.

But this is just my story, perhaps for others it is different; maybe going on is not so impossible, turning the page comes naturally after reading the same lines over and over again and realizing that we need to write the next chapter.

Maybe it's just me still living in the light of his eyes, still hoping for a 'it was just a joke'.

Maybe I'm the only one who has never brought flowers to his grave but visited it countless times, always hoping to find another name and maybe hear the phone vibrate with him on the other side scolding me for being late as usual.

Instead Iwaizumi Hajime is still there, and I am chained to those stone letters and the scent of marigolds that has left someone else for his eternally dormant soul.


End file.
